Before I dive into this post, I want to say that it is a scary thing to share my heart with you and I was terrified to hit publish on my first blog entry. However, my inboxes have been overflowing as so many of you have shared your own heart wrenching stories and personal struggles with me. Your response to my writing about these sensitive topics was all the validation I needed to know that this is the right thing to do. Thank you all for the overwhelming amount of love and support you have shown me in the last week.

In the immediate aftermath of Jamie’s suicide we heard over and over again how shocking this all was. Of course, that is a pretty standard response to learning that somebody you love has taken their own life. But, it wasn’t just the act of suicide that shocked people. Many people were just as surprised to learn that Jamie had an addiction to alcohol. We all have these preconceived notions of what an alcoholic should look like, and Jamie didn’t fit the mold.

As a teenager Jamie was an honor roll student, and one of the best, most accomplished athletes in school. It didn’t matter if he was playing golf, basketball, football, or running track, he excelled at it. He was good at everything and it came to him almost without effort. Unfortunately, he learned at a pretty young age that drinking beer came easily to him too.

There are many alcoholics that live their lives in complete and utter disarray. They find themselves in and out of trouble with the law, unable to hold down a job, unable to pay their bills or take care of their families, etc. This was never the case with Jamie. He was as high-functioning of an alcoholic as it gets. On the surface, he had it all. He was a dad to three beautiful children that adored him. He had a career that he loved. He worked in management for BNSF Railway as a Trainmaster. (Most people don’t know what a Trainmaster is. He was basically the Air Traffic Controller but of railways instead of airplanes). It is a job that required an incredible amount of responsibility and focus, and he was really, really good at it. He wasn’t withdrawn socially either as many alcoholics are. Jamie was the most social person I have ever known in my entire life. He literally knew EVERYONE and he valued his friendships more than anything. In his free time, he loved to hunt geese and was a very accomplished golfer. Jamie was extremely productive in many aspects of his life, which allowed him to mask his alcoholism and maintain an appearance of success.

I believe that a person’s dependency on alcohol is a progression that happens over time. A person doesn’t just drink one beer and “catch” alcoholism. Chronic consumption and abuse of alcohol over an extended period of time changes the brain’s wiring until eventually it leads to dependency. Jamie’s dependency on drinking was a long, slow progression that happened over the course of 20+ years. Making it even more problematic was that Jamie never saw himself as an alcoholic. He was highly functional, and for that reason he was in deep denial about his problem, as are most functional alcoholics.

The last 11 weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. Anger seems to be a frequent visitor lately. Am I angry at my brother for being an alcoholic? No, I am not. I firmly believe that alcoholism is a disease; a person doesn’t choose it for themselves. Jamie did not CHOOSE to be an alcoholic. However, I CAN be angry that Jamie never took ownership of his disease. I CAN be angry that even though he had an army of people offering him help, he never accepted it. I CAN be angry that this terrible disease catapulted Jamie into mental illness. And, I CAN be angry that as a direct result he literally drank himself into a depression that was so dark he ultimately chose suicide.

Alcohol abuse and suicide go hand in hand. An alcoholic is 120 times more likely to commit suicide than an adult with no addiction issues. One third of suicides in the United States involve alcohol. That means almost 15,000 lives could be saved every year if only they would receive (or accept) proper treatment and rehabilitation for their addiction to alcohol. MY brother’s precious life could have been saved if only he had made better choices and accepted treatment. If only.

I don’t want you to think that I am writing about alcohol to shame you or guilt you if you are a person that drinks occasionally. I completely understand that there are many people that are perfectly capable of having a few drinks here and there. I, too, enjoy drinking a beer with my husband on occasion. I am writing about alcohol abuse because, unfortunately, it is a part of my brother’s story.

There is a saying that I know you have all heard, “Be Kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about”. I know it is cliché, but it is oh so true, my friends. Jamie touched the lives of more people than I can even begin to count, but still so many of those people didn’t know his battle with alcohol. He didn’t look the part. But, what exactly does alcoholism look like? The cashier that checks you out at the grocery store once a week, or the mailman that delivers your mail every single day, or the personal banker that approved you for a home loan last week, or even your child’s favorite teacher could possibly be an alcoholic themselves. I mean, seriously, you just never know. Addiction in any form, whether it be drugs or alcohol doesn’t discriminate. I know there are thousands upon thousands of people out there just like my brother that are struggling with their addiction. We have to be kind to them. We have to love them without judgement. And, we have to be willing to help them when/if they ask for it. Let’s just be kind. OK? K.

XOXO – Jennifer

P.S. If you are reading this and you are a person that struggles with addiction in any form, please hear me when I say that you do NOT have to be ashamed to ask for help. It does not make you a bad person. It is ok to not be ok. Please take ownership of your addiction and ask for help. There is a beautiful, happy life waiting for you on the other side. Your sobriety is worth fighting for. YOU are worth fighting for.