Religion. It is one of the most uncomfortable topics for many people to talk about unless you are somebody that is incredibly rooted in your faith. As far as “taboo” topics go it’s right up there with mental health and suicide. So, it is only natural that I address it on my blog too. As always, let me throw out this disclaimer; I know that I am not an expert on religion, God, or the Bible. I realize that religion can be a very sensitive and somewhat controversial topic so I am sorry if my beliefs, opinions, or interpretation of the Bible don’t align with yours.

Let me start at the beginning. My religious roots run deep at the little white United Methodist Church in Biggsville, IL. My parents were married in that church almost 44 years ago. My brothers and I were baptized, raised, and confirmed there. I know every nook and cranny of that little church like the back of my hand. When I close my eyes and think about it, I can even remember the way it smells the minute you walk through the doors. We grew up watching my parents be extremely involved in the church. They both taught Sunday School, my Mom volunteered for 15 years as church Treasurer, and they both served on the Administrative Counsel. My brothers and I sat in the pews more hours than I can even begin to count proudly watching my Dad serve the church with his music ministry. As I got older, I too, became very involved with the church. I led our Youth Group and served as a Junior Rep on the Admin Counsel. I served from the pulpit reading scriptures during service, and believe it or not, I even wrote and delivered the sermon on more than one occasion. When I was 16 I had the privilege of serving on my first mission trip in Mexico. It was a life changing experience and the following year I was able to return on a 2nd mission trip and take my parents with me! To date, it remains one my favorite life experiences that I have ever had the joy of sharing with my Mom and Dad.

I can’t talk about my childhood church without mentioning our Pastors. Pastors Bill and Arla (husband and wife duo) served our church for 15 years; literally our entire childhood. They weren’t just our Pastors though. They didn’t just teach us the Bible and that Jesus loves us. They were our bonus Grandparents. We loved them like family. They lived just up the hill from us. We spent countless hours in their home. Truth be told, we probably exhausted them at times, but they never threw us out! Just as real Grandparents do, they never missed a thing we did. They attended every single football, basketball, and volleyball game that we ever played in. They even traveled to the away games. We could always count on them to be sitting in the bleachers with their great big, proud smiles waving their little hearts out until they knew that we saw them there. They came to everything. We were incredibly blessed to have them in our lives. I have thought of them so many times in the last 8 months. I can only imagine how incredibly heartbroken they would have been to know of Jamie’s addiction to alcohol and his rapid decline. I often wonder what they would have to say about Jamie and his suicide. What words of comfort would they offer to our family? They always knew exactly the right things to say. I would give just about anything to have a conversation with them right now. Pastor Bill passed away in April 2017, just a year before Jamie. Arla lives in a home in Pontiac, IL near their family. I would like to think that Pastor Bill was one of the first people to greet Jamie at Heaven’s gates. I can just hear him saying “Hey Jamie! Remember me? It’s Pastor Bill from up the hill”! It brings a smile to my face just thinking of what a joyful reunion that must have been for both of them.

So yes, my parents raised us in the church. We were taught the Bible and we know what it means to love and accept Jesus Christ into our lives. Even Jamie loved church at one point in his life. He may not have always liked getting up on Sunday mornings, but once he was there he enjoyed it very much. He also participated in youth groups and he loved to sing his little heart out during church service. He didn’t share his talent of singing with many people, but he had a beautiful singing voice just like my Dad and my brother Chad. He made the most of his talent on Sunday mornings in that little white church singing God’s praises (that is, when he and I weren’t fighting about who was sitting too close to who in the pew). Yes, even at church we picked on each other something terrible.

My favorite Psalm is Psalm 139. In life’s most uncertain moments I often find myself reading it over and over again. My favorite verses are 13-16. “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be”. Just think about how amazing that last verse really is for a minute. “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be”. I love those words so much that I chose to have this Psalm read at my wedding instead of the traditional wedding scripture from 1 Corinthians. I married a boy I barely knew. To be honest, even though I loved him, a part of me was scared shitless for both of us on our wedding day. So, as we took our wedding vows in that little white church that I grew up in, I took a lot of comfort in the words from Psalm 139 knowing that God had designed a life for me long before I was even born; a life that led me to marrying Tony.

Let’s fast forward to April 3, 2018. As you well know by now, that was the day Jamie chose to leave us. I don’t even remember at this point how many days I ended up going without real sleep. Sleeping just isn’t really an option in the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s suicide. Instead you lay awake and cry, you scream, you lash out at God, and you worry about everything. Everything. There are many things that I don’t even remember about the hours immediately following his suicide. It is a big blur, but I do remember worrying about Jamie’s salvation. A lot. I know at one point I decided to open my bible and turn to Psalm 139; my Psalm. Instead this time, it brought no comfort. It just outright pissed me off. “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be”. Are you serious??? THIS was God’s plan for Jamie? THIS was His great design? THIS is what He had written in the story of Jamie’s life? No. No way. There is no way I will believe in a God that is that cruel. Not happening. Forget it. I was already feeling abandoned by this Almighty God of ours anyways. We spent hours, days, and MONTHS praying for Jamie. We prayed for his sobriety. We prayed for his mental health. We prayed for anything. We begged “God, just give us something to help him”!!! And, in return, we heard nothing. Crickets. Gee, thanks God; some real help you are.

I have carried that anger with me for many months now. I haven’t been on very good speaking terms with God. But, my parents. Oh, they have remained steadfast in their faith. They haven’t wavered not even one little bit. Not even in their darkest hours. Instead, they keep reminding me how much God loves each and every one of us. They keep reminding me that God does, in fact, have a plan for each of our lives. However, it is up to us to seek it out and live our lives according to His will. Jamie did not do that. Jamie had his own plans and he paid no attention to God’s will for his life whatsoever.

People always say that life doesn’t come with instructions. Well, yeah, it kind of does. It’s called the Bible. God laid it all out for us. It’s actually pretty amazing the things you can find in there if you take time to read it and study it. In fact, you barely even have to start reading the Bible before you find very quickly that one of the greatest gifts God ever gave us was our own free will. It’s right there in the first book of the Bible, Genesis 2:15-17. “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die’”. God advised Adam to not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, but ultimately it was up to Adam to follow God’s advice and to make good choices. God wants us to obey him, but just as he gave Adam the freedom to choose, he also gives us the freedom to make our own choices. God gave Adam the gift of free will. He gave Jamie the gift of free will. He gives all of us the gift of free will. So, was it in God’s design for Jamie to end his own life by suicide? No. It wasn’t. I can be angry and blame God all I want, but the reality is that Jamie just outright abused the gift of free will and he made a very bad choice on April 3, 2018.

I haven’t opened my Bible much since April 3rd. Well, or really much before that either if I am going to be honest here. Like I said I had been angry with God even before Jamie left us. We were praying and He wasn’t answering. In the months since Jamie has been gone, I have actually been terrified to open my Bible back up. I have been too afraid to know what the Bible has to say about suicide. Growing up we mostly studied the New Testament so the suicide of Judas according to Matthew was the only suicide in the Bible that I was honestly aware of. Matthew 27: 3-5 says “When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty silver coins to the chief priests and the elders. ‘I have sinned’ he said, ‘for I have betrayed the innocent blood’. ‘What is that to us’ they replied? ‘That’s your responsibility’. So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself”.

In the recent weeks the urge to open my Bible has been tugging on my heart strings. Because of the anger with God that I have been holding on to, I have tried to brush it off and ignore it. The truth is though, I needed to know what else (if anything) was in the Bible about suicide, so I caved. I opened my Bible and started digging. Much to my surprise, I actually found 5 other accounts of suicide in the Old Testament. Seriously, five. Don’t believe it? Let’s talk about them:

Abimelech: His suicide is accounted for in the book of Judges. He was the son of Gideon; the fifth Judge of Israel. Gideon was chosen by God to deliver Israel from Midian and he did. Israel enjoyed forty years of peace during Gideon’s lifetime. Gideon’s position had placed Abimelech in an environment of power, but Abimelech had many siblings as Gideon had many, many children. After Gideon’s death, Abimelech became power hungry and ruthless, so much so that he ordered all but one of his half-brothers to be killed so that he wouldn’t have to compete for power. Judges 9:50-54 says “Next Abimelech went to Thebez and besieged it and captured it. Inside the city, however, was a strong tower, to which all the men and women – all the people of the city – fled. They locked themselves in and climbed up on the tower roof. Abimelech went to the tower and stormed it. But as he approached the entrance to the tower to set it on fire, a woman dropped an upper millstone on his head and cracked his skull. Hurriedly he called to his armor-bearer, ‘Draw your sword and kill me, so that they can’t say a woman killed him’. So his servant ran through him and killed him”. It might have possibly not been God’s will for him to actually die when that stone fell upon his head, but he was a proud man and ultimately because of his pride he chose to die in that moment by ordering his servant to kill him.

Samson: The story of his suicide can also be found in the book of Judges. He was the last Judge of the Israelites. He was born with great physical strength and it was supposed to be his job to deliver Israel from the Philistines. While he did do many great things he ultimately ended up a prisoner to the Philistines. Rather than killing him they made him a slave, humiliated him, and gouged his eyes out. Judges 16:25-30 says “While they were in high spirits, they shouted, ‘Bring out Samson to entertain us’. So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them. When they stood him among the pillars, Samson said to the servant who held his hand, ‘Put me where I can feel the pillars that support the temple, so I may lean against them’. Now the temple was crowded with men and women; all the rulers of the Philistines were there, and on the roof were about three thousand men and women watching Samson perform. Then Samson prayed to the Lord, ‘O Sovereign Lord, remember me. O God, please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes’. Then Samson reached toward the two pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, Samson said ‘Let me die with the Philistines’! Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it”. Although heroic and although God did hear Samson’s prayers to use him this final time, Samson ultimately chose to bring down that temple on himself, fully knowing it would result in his death. He chose to die.

King Saul (and his armor-bearer) Take Their Lives: 1 Samuel talks about the rise and fall of King Saul. He was once a handsome and humble man that God had chosen as Israel’s first king. His early reign he displayed great leadership and bravery, but he ultimately chose to disobey God. He became jealous and paranoid and eventually had his Kingship taken away by God. From then on his life declined rapidly, and he ultimately took matters into his own hands and chose suicide. 1 Samuel 31:4-5 says “Saul said to his armor-bearer, ‘Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me’. But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him”. Not one, but two suicides.

Ahithophel: The suicide of Ahithophel can be found in 2 Samuel. He was a counselor of King David that ultimately turned and revolted against him. Chapter 17 tells us his story. He became obsessed with defeating King David and when those around him failed to take his advice to lead a final revolt against King David he couldn’t handle it. He didn’t like not getting his way. 2 Samuel 17:23 says “When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house order and then hanged himself”.

Just like Jamie, each of these people in the Bible could have chosen differently. They could have asked for God’s guidance. Instead, they abused the gift of free will and they all ultimately chose their own death. I don’t know. I guess I have bared my soul to you in just about every other way since starting this blog so I might as well just be honest here. I guess in some twisted way it brings me comfort to read about suicide in the Bible. It is reassurance for me that people have been imperfect and broken since the beginning of time.

You know what I can’t find in the Bible? I can’t find a single place that says that suicide isn’t a forgivable sin. I don’t think there is a sin too big for God, not even suicide. I have lost sleep worrying about Jamie’s soul and his salvation. Jamie and I didn’t talk much about God or faith as adults. I know that just like me he wavered in and out of his relationship with God. It eats at my very being to not know where Jamie stood with God when he chose his final breath on this earth. It's yet another unknown that we get to live with forever. I can only hope that in his final moments he asked for forgiveness.

I do know that Jamie's suicide, although something I will forever wish we could undo, isn't mine to judge; it's not yours to judge either; only God’s. John 8:7 “When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them ‘If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone’”.

XOXO – Jennifer

National Hotline for Suicide Prevention: 1-800-273-TALK