It is completely impossible to explain Jamie's 39 years, 2 months, and 19 days. He was a complete tool from day one! He was born in a blizzard. It wasn't just any blizzard either. It is in the record books; the blizzard of 1979. He didn't sleep for his first two years. No joke. He was awake for two straight years!!!! Jamie was a happy, silly, and fun child. He was the class clown and he always kept us laughing and wondering "what next"?

I have spent endless, sleepless hours trying to figure out when things went so bad. How could he become so reckless with his life? Why didn't he care more? Why weren't we enough? For the love of everything Holy, why couldn't he get better when he had three of the most beautiful children ever? How could he do the things that he did? Bottom line, how did I not see it? How did I not know? Why couldn't I fix it? How could I let my child die?

I am a failure. That is what Satan keeps trying to sell me. Believe me, I could give in so easy. But I have been and I will remain a woman of great faith. I will never understand Jamie's choices, but I will forgive him because he is my son. He was mine first.

There is always more to our story. Mine is my family. Every single morning I get up because it is my story as a Mom to lead in faith. I have so many reasons to still be happy. We have moments that are full of joy and laughter and a great love, especially when we are with those beautiful gifts we call grandchildren. We will continue to move forward one day at a time. On the bad days I will cry and know that it is ok. My heart hurts and I know that is ok too.

If you are like Jamie and you have given into alcohol, drugs, or depression please do me a favor. Reach out for help. Life is hard but it is also so beautiful. In the words of our Pastor Melissa, "Make Good Choices". On April 3rd, 2018 Jamie made the wrong choice. It was a choice that changed our story forever.

The night before Jamie's visitation was a very, very long and sleepless night. I begged Jamie to give his Dad and I each a sign that he was ok. On our way to the visitation we were driving across the bridge and two geese flew straight across the windshield of our car. (Jamie and his Dad loved to hunt geese together). Ok Dad, there is your sign. Thank you, Jamie. During the visitation someone told me that it was snowing like crazy outside. I honestly can't remember who said it, but I remember being in shock that it was snowing. It was April 8th??? Oh. Of course, it was snowing!! Remember the night I was born, Mom? Oh Jamie Boy, how could I forget? Ok Mom, there is your sign. It snowed all through the night and into the morning of his funeral. Nicole sent me a text saying that she had told Jamie, "Ok Jamie, it has to stop so we can get to the cemetery"! I still can't help but smile when I think of it. He came in with the snow, and he left with the snow. Jamie, only you could figure out a way to make that happen. To top it off, on the way home to Biggsville, two geese flew right beside the hearse as an escort. No joke.

Geese have become our sign, and of course, the snow will always stir my heart. On his stone you will see his beautiful face. On the upper left side you will see two geese flying home, towards Biggsville.

Jamie, I love you for the good times and I forgive you for the bad.

Love you Jamie Boy, forever and always.

-Mom

"Love is stronger than pain".

National Hotline for Suicide Prevention: 1-800-273-TALK