Hi Everyone - Welcome back! This week I am proud to share with you my big brother, Chad. I am a little bit of a control freak, so I did tweak his grammar and punctuation a wee little bit. I couldn't help myself! I did not, however, tweak the profanity. We write like we feel at this point in our lives. So, you will just have to excuse the f-bombs. Chad, thank you for supporting and taking part in my blog. I love you! Turning it over... Take it away big brother.
BULL IN A CHINA SHOP
I was a big, big fan of Mythbusters. I still am and I miss it! I remember one of my favorite episodes where they tested the myth of a bull in a china shop. Surprisingly, the bull didn’t break a thing. I was expecting carnage. I still love the myth and it is a fitting description of what goes on in your mind following the suicide of a loved one. My point? My sister is generally nervous about sharing her heart with you. I couldn’t be prouder of her strength in doing so because believe me when I tell you, it’s difficult for her. For me, it’s a little different. I’ve always shared with you, especially on stage. Through my music, I’ve given anyone who has listened a glimpse into my soul. Anyone that knows me, knows that my mouth has a mind of its own, a mouth I often regret, and a mouth that gets me into trouble. I’m surprised I’ve never had my ass beat for it. So, what’s the point dude? I’m not nervous about telling you how I feel. I am unapologetic. I am the bull in a china shop. But unlike the bull who really doesn’t break a thing, I plan on breaking a lot of things. All of us are dealing with this differently. My future lies in awareness, discovering the state of our mental healthcare system, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll share my own story of success over addiction.
WE ARE NOT OK
For starters, we are not ok. Throughout this process I’ve noticed a number of changes. One being that answers to the most common of questions has become completely different. For example, “How are you today”?
Before suicide, the answer is fairly predictable. “I’m great”! Our initial response is to appear “great” regardless of what is happening in our lives, unless of course you are one of those “woe is me” types. Generally speaking though, we want people to believe we are doing great. We don’t want to let others know our true state of mind. Why is that? Why is it not ok to say, “You know what? I feel like shit today”? We internalize, even with members of our own family.
After suicide, the answer to the question “How are you today” changes. We’ve gone from “I’m great” to “Uhhhh, I’m ok”. It’s almost impossible to lie about now. So at some point during the grieving process, we finally become open and honest with the way we feel. Is tragedy truly the magic ingredient that unlocks our mental and emotional honesty? Let that sink in.
That is just the start of what changes in your life after suicide. I could write a complete memoir at this point.
I’M DEPRESSED TOO
I’ll be honest with you. I fight depression on a daily basis, sometimes on a minute to minute basis. I recently went home to attend my 25-year class reunion. I was on edge about going back for several days prior. You see it is easier living 1,000 miles away from the grief and sorrow that now engulfs my family. The streets in Texas have no memory of my brother. This last trip home was incredibly difficult and my anxiety reached a new level when I walked into the reunion. Now, I haven’t had a legitimate anxiety attack in a very long time. There was something about walking into that restaurant that put me over the top. I remembered the last time I had dinner there. My brother was sitting directly across from me. My skin crawled, my lips went numb, and my thoughts became a soup of chaos because he is always on my mind. Always. I left the reunion after 15 minutes. I drove to my cousin’s house, cried in the driveway, and regained control over my anxiety. It took an hour to do so. Jamie wasn’t alone in his mental illness. I’ve always fought it off, and for me, I’ve always come out on top. With the exception of spending time with my family and friends, the trip home was an internal fucking nightmare.
Now understand one thing, I have control over my depression. It is well monitored and cared for. If I need help, I have it and I know where to get it. It was truly a shocking ordeal for me as I haven’t experienced anxiety like that in years. Depression will NOT control me. I do apologize to my classmates. It had nothing to do with you.
Sharing that with you wasn’t scary for me. Those of us that suffer should all come out of the darkness and talk about it. This might be very shocking… I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF MY DEPRESSION. Maybe if YOU came clean on your true mental condition then you could also live a more fulfilling life. Maybe you could avoid the tragedy that is suicide. Because I have news for you, it doesn’t discriminate.
A TRULY AWFUL SYSTEM
Moving on. Since my brother’s death I have been collecting stories of mental illness from people willing to talk to me about it. Before we lost Jamie, it’s a conversation I would have never taken part in. I mean, how in the hell do you even start? “So yeah, tell me all about your mental illness”! Yeah, no. Now, after I share our story with a friend or a stranger, the tap runs wide open. In recent weeks, I’ve been lucky to have had a couple conversations with folks about their siblings. My message has been very simple. Are they ok? Have you told them how much you love them? Are they really ok? So, what were the results of those conversations? Two brothers have been reconnected, and another family found their youngest son living in a storage unit. He is getting the help he needs. After hearing our story, there is a renewed effort in that family.
And now behold a glimpse into our professional mental healthcare system.
I recently interviewed a man who had struggled deeply with depression and attempted suicide during a difficult divorce. Luckily, he didn’t succeed. Instead, he reached out for help. Incredibly intoxicated, his children drove him to the hospital. A hospital is a safe place, a place where we can go to “get better”. Not really. I mean, if you have an infection or need some awesome pharma, you’re good to go. Upon arrival and explanation of why he was there (he was very suicidal), the response was “sorry, we don’t have a bed for you”. There was nothing the hospital was willing to do to HELP. Instead, the police were involved. He was drunk after all. Prevented from leaving to seek help elsewhere, he was placed into protective custody and handcuffed. This is where the system starts to work. So, the hospital began looking for a bed elsewhere. And they found one in a nearby city. He was loaded into a vehicle, one of those backseats you can’t escape from and you are completely isolated from the driver. I mean, come on, you are a danger to society after all! He remained handcuffed. During his trip to the next location, the driver stopped 6 times to have a cigarette and check her social media.
He did eventually get help. He is alive today, and I am very thankful for that because I love him dearly. Let's recap that real quick - he was ready to die and upon asking for help he was rewarded with a long day in handcuffs, stopping along the way so the driver could have a few smokes and share stupid shit on her wall. Perfect, right?
Jamie went through this system too. He was able to act his way right out of it. He was a very good actor. The system failed to identify his illness. I think that the “doctors” that treated him should be mailed a copy of his eulogy. He was so much smarter than them. Perhaps you are a doctor reading this? Perhaps you disagree? Please reach out to me so we can set the record straight. I’ll wait.
Now, before all you left and right and middle thinking people attack me over the healthcare system, I am not coming at this from a political angle. It’s now humanitarian for me. I don’t give two fucks about your stupid politics. But the fact is, our healthcare system is for profit, and it doesn’t fucking work. As long as it stays this way, the story above will continue to happen. Suicide rates will keep increasing. Failure to identify mental health issues will lead to a wide variety of other problems. If people can’t get legitimate help, nothing will change. Like it or not, history has shown this and will continue to do so.
As the truth of living in this society bears down on our shoulders, some of us are going to break. I guess the question is and always will be, how many must break to kick start the change?
I guess we haven’t seen the answer yet.
In the meantime, we should continue to share information. If you know where good help exists, share it! Let others know! Check on your loved ones. Make sure they are ok. You don’t have time to put it off. I didn’t ask him if he was ok. Our conversations were perfectly normal.
There is nothing normal now.
-Chad