It is 2am and there is the rumble of thunder in the west. The closer the thunder gets the louder it gets. There is lightening and it lights the sky a little more with each strike. The storm gets closer and closer until finally it is right on top of our little town. For the next few minutes the wind howls, the rain comes down in sheets, and the thunder is like one huge explosion after the next until the whole storm slowly moves east and, finally, the quiet takes its place. This is how I, a Dad who has lost his son to suicide, can best describe my grief. It rolls over me, takes its toll on me, and then moves on. I gather myself enough to look around for the damage done and then I try to go back to sleep. This is the new normal for me now. The old normal no longer exists.
Round after round the storms came and went. The truth is that I had been living in this storm long before Jamie left us in April. Jamie was always more to me than a son. He was my best friend. The Jamie I knew, my son and my best friend, had long gone away and been replaced by a stranger I hardly knew. You see as a result of his addiction to alcohol his life was unraveling. It was costing him his marriage and he had changed into the type person you could barely stand to be around. I can’t help but to believe that this is what addiction and depression does to a person when the demons take control and drive one into dark places we can’t even imagine. I have to believe this. The Jamie I called my best friend would have never taken his own life unless his pain was so overwhelming he had no other way out.
For several months before he left us, he had gone out of his way to drive away every single person he loved the most. Throughout the dark of night he would go from person to person and send out text message after text message saying things that our Jamie would never say to the ones he loved; to me, his mom, his siblings, his cousins and aunts – anyone who would read his texts. We really all just took it on the chin from him. It finally got so bad that most everyone had to block him at times and put up some sort of boundary just to protect themselves. I didn’t. I hung in there and took a beating from him. I was trying to find the son that I had lost. People would tell me to just ignore him and turn your phone off but I couldn’t do that. I wanted my son back. His addiction was winning a battle that was bigger than both of us and I knew he was in trouble.
Our family tried everything we could to make him get help but his addiction was calling the shots. He refused everything that was offered by those that loved him so much. When he came home from rehab he had an army of a thousand people that tried to get behind him and help him through his recovery. Unfortunately, within 48 hours of coming home the demons had returned and they were calling the shots once again. Depression and addiction had consumed my son and ultimately led him to where we are today.
Grieving not just the loss of our precious son but also that of my best friend has become a daily chore. People say it will get easier over time. We will see. For now the storms keep rolling in and out. I turn to my Lord and Savior and plea that the sun will soon come out for an entire day. I love my family beyond measure. I thank God everyday for what he has blessed me with and that includes Jamie. He blessed me with a son that I will forever be grateful to have had. He was something else and he made me a dad who was proud to call him my son and my best friend. I will see him again on the first tee and we will have a great time. For now I will enjoy and love the life I have left and continue to give praise to my Lord and Savior for all the blessings in my life.
-Chris
National Hotline for Suicide Prevention - 1-800-273-TALK