I realize that when I publish something new on the blog I usually have a “topic” or something specific that I want to talk about. Not tonight. Tonight I am just here to ramble. I’ve honestly had the worst day yet since that dreadful day in April. I’ve cried most of my day today. Not even just cried. I have sobbed. I have screamed. I have puked. All of it. So, I’m doing the only thing I know how to do at this point and that is to sit down at the computer and write about it.
Let’s back up a little bit actually. I had a really bad day a few weeks ago. I honestly can’t even remember at this point what triggered it. I mean, to be honest, there have been so many bad days that they just all run together. Anyways, I was at work and in my moment of desperation I called my big brother, Chad. Even though he is over 1,000 miles away, he always has a way of talking me off my ledge and putting things back into perspective for me. On that particular day he told me that we are going to love and miss Jamie, but we aren’t going to allow Jamie’s bad decisions to dictate the rest of our lives. He repeated it a few times and asked me if I understood. I said, "yes, big brother, I understand”. We said our “I love you’s”, then I hung up the phone, wiped my tears, fixed my makeup, hugged my co-worker (who happens to be one of my best friends and who has, bless her heart, lived nearly every single day of this nightmare with me), and went about my day.
I dread the 3rd day of every month. I don’t even need a calendar to know when it is coming. It’s like I can smell it in the air and I can feel it approaching with every fiber of my being. Yesterday was November 3rd; seven months to the day that Jamie chose to leave us. Seven freaking months. It doesn’t matter if I say it out loud or type it, it doesn’t seem real that we have seriously already lived 7 months on this earth without him. I made a decision to heed the advice that Chad had given me a few weeks ago and I very intentionally decided to not let Jamie dictate my day yesterday. Instead, I traveled 2 hours and met my lifelong best friend for the day. We shopped, we reminisced, we laughed, and we honestly had the best day ever. I drove the 2 hours back home and I went to bed last night with a really full heart.
And then this morning happened.
You see, Jamie was the middle child. So, he loved attention. I swear he had knack for it and he was good at being the center of attention. It was one of those annoying little things about him that you just had to love. Anyone that knew him would agree with that. Anyways, even though yesterday was the dreadful 3rd, I didn’t cave. I didn’t let him have my day. However, today, I am 100% convinced that even now, in his death, he is still demanding my attention.
This morning around 6am, my brother visited me for the first time since his death. I know, I know. Some of you are reading this and probably think I have officially lost my mind. If you don’t believe in it, that’s fine. I am not going to spend my energy trying to convince you otherwise. But, I am here to tell you that Jamie was standing right next to my bed. He was as real as this keyboard that I am typing on. He didn’t say a single word to me. He just stood there with that little smirk of his and then he gave me one of his big beaming smiles. I laid there paralyzed, not by fear, but in disbelief of how real and beautiful he looked. Before I could physically get my body to move, I blinked and he was gone. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to feel his face. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hug him so damn badly. After he was gone, I sobbed uncontrollably. It woke my husband (who had no idea what happening). In fact, it took me about 4 hours or so this morning to collect myself enough to even tell him about it.
I am thankful for his visit. So, I am not really sure why I have continued to cry and torture myself all day. His smile told me that he is happy and at peace, and his eyes told me that he loved me. What more could I possibly want, right? I don’t know. A part of me thinks that he came just to spite me because I chose to not acknowledge the anniversary of his suicide yesterday (because you know, he loved my attention). But really, I am just afraid that it was his one and only visit to me, his final goodbye. No matter how many days or months pass by, I’m just not ready for that. I know he is gone, but I just can’t let go.
I want you to know I didn’t write this tonight looking for sympathy. I’m just writing because it’s one of the few things I can do that give me peace and in order to sleep tonight, I needed to write it out. I’ve been honest about this dreadful journey of ours from the beginning and sharing this is just a part of that.
Anyways, thank you, as always, for reading. I hope that somehow my writing reaches somebody out there that, unfortunately, also knows the pain of suicide loss… somebody that needs to know they aren’t alone in this never ending grief. My heart knows your heart.
I plan to have some guest writers on the blog soon (including another visit from my big brother, Chad)!! I hope you all have a blessed week.
XOXO – Jennifer
National Hotline for Suicide Prevention – 1-800-273-TALK (8255)